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Please Stop Testing Me Now!



'Just stop testing me!'. This was my frustrated plea to Chris on a Sunday morning. I know now he wasn’t. He was only causally checking arrangements I had made for lunch with family members. But it sure felt like an interrogation to me.


He softly replied ‘I think it’s you testing yourself’ and perhaps I am.


‘I think it’s you testing yourself’

It’s unsurprising really when you think about it. I continue to suffer agonising grief whilst being assessed and analysed with regards my injuries. While someone tries to work out just how injured and damaged I am.

In these assessments I have been told what I might experience or find challenging yet I’m still left in a middle of a fog of uncertainty. It’s a continuous shower of negative views on what life I’ve been left.

What has been missed by the assessments is that my world has been turned upside down and stolen. What I thought was right and secure has been taken away from me rather ripped out of my hands.


Now after someone is just causally kicking me, gross and indignant I know, it is.


Is there a test to assess my level of emotional pain and grief?


I don’t think so. They just assess just how damaged my body is, I’m just piece of evidence at a crime scene.


'I’m just piece of evidence at a crime scene.'

Being tested over and over again by professionals has left me hypersensitive. The result is I have only a have negative view of myself.

I used to have a strong sense of me and self awareness. I could reflect strongly and honestly on my thoughts and actions however now I find myself not knowing who I am.


Chris was recently told I had put myself in a box and closed the lid. Maybe I am in a box with a blanket over me. But the question is who put me in that box?



Current music: This Women’s Life, Kate Bush - ‘I should be crying but I can’t let it show’.

No quick wins I'm waiting for the test results to come in.

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3 Comments


Jennie
Jennie
Jan 18, 2022

Rachael, I have some health issues and I think it’s very common and understandable to feel frustration about how it feels as though health professionals see us solely as parts of a body, with no appreciation of how health conditions affect us as a person. We are, so, so much more than the sum of our parts. You are grieving as a mother whose beautiful, precious and much longed for baby was ripped from your grasp and painfully, entirely unnecessarily. You are grieving for your future with Louis, his future, your family’s future. You are also grieving for your own future, your hopes, dreams and the things we all assume we’ll have and most do. You are trying to work…


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You are still the strong and beautiful person I have always known. Your blogs are so inspiring, hopefully soon people will stop testing you and just be interested in how you are and what you are up to. Much love A. S

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Incredible Kate Bush song. I remember hearing it for the first time on an NSPCC advert about 15 years ago, but she wrote it back in 1988. I’ve found your last two blogs really moving - you write with such impact. Much love Ro x

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